All I ate today was popcorn and jelly beans. What am I? 14 and basking in the glow of being left home alone for the day?? Oh wait, I had a Pepsi too. Apparently the thought of dissolved mice in my beverage wasn't as strong a deterrent as I had hoped it'd be. *shrugs*
My kid came up with some really wonderful quotes recently. I'll share.
He woke up at 6:30 one morning, sick to his stomach. I had fallen asleep a mere hour before this, so I SaaS hoping he'd moan and groan a bit, flush and go back to sleep. I should never hope for things. He moaned, and groaned and whined so much I got out of bed to see how he was doing. He sent me away, saying I didn't want to see his piles of poop making mountains above the water. You're probably right kid. He flushed, explaining that he wasn't finished yet, it was just too gross to keep around. Next, he proceeded to tell me he was shitting turds the size of eyeballs. Exactly what I wanted to hear. He was awake until 1:00AM the next morning, after being sent to bed at 8:00PM. At about midnight, he snuck to the kitchen and stole some pretzels to eat. I demanded them back. The response was classic. "I'll give you the pretzels back in a little bit -- when I SHIT THEM ON YOUR HEAD!!!" I kinda lost it and went on a tangent about how if I didn't beat him before he finally fell asleep I should get a fucking mother of the year award. Uh huh.
Another good quote was, "Is your name Farty McFarterson? If so, you have won an all expenses paid trip to Shitland, located in New York City." I wonder why none of the homeschool moms want to set up play dates with him?
He also came into my room, and instead of asking if I wanted him to shut the door on his way out, inquired wether I wanted "to repel some ass". *sigh* Um, at least he's creative?
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Eyeballs aren't that big, I'm really not impressed kid.
ReplyDeleteOn my new favorite show the principal says regarding the middle schooler; "What he needs is medication and a near death experience."
I think that's what most of us need.
Lucky for you Allergy Boy is adorable. Otherwise I think you'd have plenty of reasons to kill him long, long ago.
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ReplyDeleteI think the eyeball comment was more of a descriptive thing than an impressive thing. :)
ReplyDeleteI could leave him alone with Pete for a week, I'm nearly positive a near death experience would occur.
Yes, Mariah, he is quite lucky he's cute, although I suspect that fact may have something to do with how much he gets away with ...