[This was written, shit, five years ago, after seeing Patrick again for the first time in years. I waqs thinking about that night tonight. I just wish I had saved his comments. I could use a little hope and a bit of feeling alive these days.]

You, yes, you. I meant you, I mean you. I don't know why, I don't know what it is, but something about you drives me fucking wild. As you noticed, I can't keep my hands off you. I don't know why. I damn well remembered that I couldn't all those years ago, but, somehow I thought maybe this time it would be different. That I would have some self control. As you noticed, I was wrong.

I remember A LOT about you from then. I remember these things very fondly. I also remember them as unfinished. Very unfinished. Yes, I am still a little tipsy, not too bad, but a little. I can type easily. I can taste your beer and cigarettes, feel where your facial hair touched my chin. I want to remember more tastes, more smells, more everything. I can't believe I savored the taste of beer and cigarettes, if you really want to know. It's been many many years since I've tasted that.

It's been many years since I felt like someone wanted to run into bed with me, and stay there for a damn long time. To be honest, I was surprised I felt that at all. I thought all the years of being ignored would have taken their toll, made me feel less inclined, less desirable, less lots of things. A few more pounds, a few more years, nothing made a difference.

I think it bugs me because, as I mentioned many times tonight, I like to be in control of my emotions. I like to know my limits, and I may push them to the very edge, but I still have them. I don't feel any set of limits when you are next to me. I was glad that lady made us dance because I really wanted to touch you, to hold your body next to mine. I think you were glad too.

Anyone who can read about my bowel movements and say that I am eloquent about discussing my ass is alright with me. I hope my desire to be near you, touch you, hold you doesn't scare you. I don't like feeling clingy, and that's how I feel around you. Not clingy in the usual sense though. Clingy as in, I want to be alone with you. I just want the world to disappear. Well, everyone except you. I don't want to be scary.

We should go check out that bell tower sometime soon. No one will ever know. :) Who the hell am I kidding? I'd probably make so much noise you'd end up losing your job. But I can be damn sure it'd be worth it.

Thank you for making me feel this way. I missed feeling wanted. I missed wanting someone. What I really want to know is why you have such a power over me. And also why I feel the need to share with you that this power exists. Breaking another cardinal rule right there. Bad enough I lost self control, but I insist upon telling you I lost it. Well, again, at least you know I'm honest. Keep that in mind, please. I am honest, so what I say is the truth, whether you may want to believe it or not. And yes, I came home and blogged about it.

Next time I'd like to have a lot more to blog about.