Running

The other day (week, whatever) I felt an urge I haven't felt in a long, long time. I wanted to run. (I mean literal running here, because I feel the metaphoric urge quite often.) It was a beautiful warm day, the sun was shining in a perfectly blue sky. As I walked with my son to the playground, my thighs were speaking to me. They were telling me to run, and run some more, and keep running. They wanted me to use them, and use them hard. I was kind of surprised that they remembered running, but they did.

The last time I ran for any length of time was before I had my daughter. I had never really run before that, I even got out of gym class most of the time. Her father was training to go into the Air Force. His running time was below where he wanted it to be, so he'd go to the track at the nearby college daily to work on it. I gained ten pounds or something, so he insisted I go along. (Just to be clear, we're talking I went from 113 to 123 and I'm nearly 5'8".) I, of course, didn't want to go.

Because I was an idiot, I went anyway. But I didn't run. Not at first anyway. I walked around the track while he ran lap after lap. Eventually he pressured me into running too. I'd walk a lap, run a lap. Running wasn't so difficult, after I got used to it.

Then one day some guy he knew was at the track, teasing him for being slow, and flirting with me. My ex wasn't pleased. However it happened, I got pissed off enough to race the fucker. I won.

He never mentioned me going back to the track again.

A few years after I had my daughter, I tried to run again, with a friend, in a different place. But I had boobs then and a bigger ass, so things jiggled when I ran. I had never felt that before and it grossed me out. I stopped after a quarter lap, and never tried again.

When my thighs were telling me to run recently, I decided that I will let them run again. I'm going to ease into it though, I don't want to get discouraged right away. This time, I will be prepared for the jiggling. This time I will do it for me, and not because some bully wants to show off. And I bet I'll kick ass again.

I've Found Him, Now What?

I have finally located my friend (OK, really someone who is much more than a friend to me). I sporadically Google his name and the university name, (hey-- don't judge, you know you do it too) and this time, I hit the jackpot. Sort of.

I found a LinkedIn profile that is surely his. I started my own LinkedIn profile with which to contact him.

Then I realized that I don't know what to say.

Or rather, that I know what I want to say, I just don't really want to say it. I want to say, "I miss you, I love you, I've always loved you, I want to see you again." Theoretically, I don't have a problem saying this. In reality, well, I feel like my life is so shitty and I've done so little that I can't say that. Who emails someone asking to get together and then can't even afford airfare, or gas money, or shit, even McDonald's? Me, that's who. And he wouldn't be surprised at an email like that. And he wouldn't be surprised at the response I'd have to give if he replied in the affirmative.

Therein lies the problem. This man is successful. This man saw me at my worst and wanted me to do better. He used to say I just needed someone to kick me in the ass and I'd be OK. But apparently he never wanted to be the one to kick me in the ass. I absolutely would've straightened myself out for him. I think maybe that's the problem. I think maybe he wanted me to do it for me, on my own. But I didn't, and I still haven't.

So now I'm sitting here, wondering whether it's worth it to contact him when I'm still the same old irresponsible fuck up I was before. Internally, I know I'm better than I was before. Externally, well, that's what's holding me back.

Anyone want to kick me in the ass?