I've Found Him, Now What?

I have finally located my friend (OK, really someone who is much more than a friend to me). I sporadically Google his name and the university name, (hey-- don't judge, you know you do it too) and this time, I hit the jackpot. Sort of.

I found a LinkedIn profile that is surely his. I started my own LinkedIn profile with which to contact him.

Then I realized that I don't know what to say.

Or rather, that I know what I want to say, I just don't really want to say it. I want to say, "I miss you, I love you, I've always loved you, I want to see you again." Theoretically, I don't have a problem saying this. In reality, well, I feel like my life is so shitty and I've done so little that I can't say that. Who emails someone asking to get together and then can't even afford airfare, or gas money, or shit, even McDonald's? Me, that's who. And he wouldn't be surprised at an email like that. And he wouldn't be surprised at the response I'd have to give if he replied in the affirmative.

Therein lies the problem. This man is successful. This man saw me at my worst and wanted me to do better. He used to say I just needed someone to kick me in the ass and I'd be OK. But apparently he never wanted to be the one to kick me in the ass. I absolutely would've straightened myself out for him. I think maybe that's the problem. I think maybe he wanted me to do it for me, on my own. But I didn't, and I still haven't.

So now I'm sitting here, wondering whether it's worth it to contact him when I'm still the same old irresponsible fuck up I was before. Internally, I know I'm better than I was before. Externally, well, that's what's holding me back.

Anyone want to kick me in the ass?