Dear Gumby

Well, here we are again. It's that horrid day of the year. Every day for the past six years I've been reliving the pain of the first year. I don't go to the bar to visit you anymore though. It's just too much. I think this year marks the year you've been gone longer than I knew you. Heh. I bet 13 years ago you would've LOVED the idea that I would think about you at least once a day from then on. Oh, you would've been such a pain with that thought. I wouldn't have believed you at all either. Funny how shit works out, isn't it?

This year I find myself waiting for a check from the state treasury's bureau of unclaimed property. The state claims I had checks issued to me from a life insurance company about 16 days after you died. I never got (more likely I simply didn't open them), or cashed them, so the amount they were written for is sitting in the treasury department. I will probably never know why exactly they were written. In any case, I'm thanking you. I wish I would have thanked you more often when you were here.

Well . . .

There were two recipes I wanted to try that contained some semblance of actual food, rather than baked goods. I couldn't find all of the blender pieces to try one, and I couldn't find the most important ingredient for the other. The annoying part is that I had the ingredient in the closet at some point within reasonable memory. I think I tossed it because I said, "I'm never going to use this shit". Of course.

As of now, I haven't had any dairy or egg products. I can't say I've been eating especially healthy though. I started with some Runts Freckled Eggs (ironic, I know) and um, well, I had some pretzels and stone ground 7 grain crackers. I've also had some green tea, and I'm hoping it will work as an appetite suppressant like it's supposed to, so I don't go nuts and eat something (else) stupid. I've had nothing substantial to eat today, and it's really getting on my nerves.

I thought reading the cookbook and then gathering ingredients would be a better idea than blindly purchasing things, but apparently not when I have to wait until tonight to go to the grocery store. *sigh*

OK, well I made it through the day eating vegan. I also made it to the grocery store, but not the one that carries my lost ingredient. Oh well. At least now I have some fruit and olives and pumpkin seeds. Eating pretzels and candy really didn't make me too happy. Instead of losing weight, I'll gain it if I keep eating crap like that. Next time I go to the store, I swear I'll bring a list. I got all kinds of vinegars, broths, and little add ins, but, um, still nothing meal wise. I just might be clinically considered an idiot.

Vegan Start(?)

I decided to eat the things I already had in the house that contained dairy and eggs that I really liked (frozen pizza, whole grain blueberry pancakes) yesterday and then go from there. My reasoning was that it would be easier without those things around the house. I decided I'd start my vegan diet today.

I went to the bookstore and looked at some vegan cookbooks. I found several recipes in Veganomicon that I liked, so I just sucked it up and bought it at the bookstore price. I bought some peanuts, which, again, I shouldn't have in the house with my son, but, eh, . . . I settled in to read the book, eating some peanuts. It was then that I remembered that peanuts are not my friend anymore either. My itchy throat reminded me pretty quickly that I was an idiot. Benadryl is wonderful.

I found fewer recipes that I think I will use than I would have liked, but I did find some, so that's good. Apparently I will forever be omitting garlic, onions, and peppers from any recipe I find. I also have to omit nuts, and probably should omit soy. That doesn't leave a whole lot to work with in the book, but, again, a few things that sounded excellent, so I guess it's worth it.

The Benadryl knocked me out before I could go pee, so I woke up at 4AM. Then I remembered that I had also purchased a Cadbury Caramel Egg for a final time. So I decided that it didn't technically count as today until I wanted to get out of bed, and ate it, further solidifying my idiot status. Then I figured since I had that, I may as well have a coconut marshmallow while I was at it.

I've been doing well since re-awaking though-- mostly because I haven't actually eaten anything yet.

Going Vegan

I am planning to cut meat, dairy, and eggs out of my diet. I've been toying with the idea of vegetarianism for years, but always concluded that I don't like enough food other than meat. Now I'm calling "bullshit" on myself. Just because I hate onions, garlic, and peppers doesn't mean I can't eat vegetarian food. I can find recipes. I can create recipes. I have the time to do so. I'm not working. I don't have a car. What better way to spend your day than by doing something for yourself?

I never really considered going all out vegan before. I have cut out dairy to lose weight, but that was pretty much the extent of my feelings on it. Occasionally when I thought about dairy and eggs too much, I made myself queasy. The thoughts were fleeting. Often the thought of meat made me queasy, but I was, frankly, too lazy to do anything about it.

What changed?
I read a book.

No, it wasn't a "propaganda" book. It was a book on food science called On Food and Cooking:The Science and Lore of the Kitchen by Harold McGee. I've enjoyed Cook's Illustrated products for awhile now, and my favorite part has always been the science and methodology behind the recipes. I've been reading a lot lately and the cost was getting ridiculous. (no, the library is not an option) Then I saw the huge volume by McGee. I figured it would take a lot longer to read than the novels I was blowing through in a sitting. I was right.

I've only made it through the first two chapters so far. They cover dairy and eggs. The scientific explanations and reasons for why we use these products grossed me out completely. I thought about these foods in ways that I had only briefly considered. Reading about it confirmed that queasy feeling. Now I know that the reasons I vaguely disliked these products were founded.

The scientific, non-biased approach to the subjects affected me more than any biased reporting ever could have. I knew he wasn't trying to make me come to these conclusions, yet I came to them. That has a huge impact on me. I haven't even gotten to the meat section yet. That's next. I have no doubt that it will make me more than queasy.

I already tried to buy only free range / organic, local if possible, products. I knew about some of the ideals that were being broken in spirit, if not legally, regarding these products. I no longer think that is enough for me.

So I'll keep reading my book, and I'll figure out ways to eat "normal" things that are vegan. I think it will work. If it doesn't, well, at least I will have found some new, healthy foods to add to my diet. That can't be a bad thing.

Rebecca

I've been wondering for awhile what form of karmic retribution my evil behavior towards Rebecca would bring. I finally figured it out.

Rebecca was a friend of my ex. She was 14 years older than me, and I was a bitch about that fact. I knew she had a crush on Chris, and he refused to admit it. Hell, our first Valentine's Day "together", she invited him on a ski trip, and he went. Needless to say, that didn't make my 22 year old heart any more inviting to her. Of course, she was more of the problem than he was. Duh.

When I did meet her, I was shocked by how old she looked. She always directed our outings, and she preferred bars with an older crowd. I'd constantly rub in the fact that I looked younger than her by exclaiming loudly, "I feel too young to be in here!!" and things of that nature. Endearing, I'm sure. She'd pretend she wasn't rolling her eyes at me in front of Chris, but the second he walked away from me, the claws would come out.

He insisted she wasn't doing it on purpose. I wonder if he had to insist to her that I wasn't pissing her off on purpose too. I know he bitched at me about some things I said.

In any case, Chris treated me with a profound lack of respect. I put up with it, I felt it was more important to have him around than it was to make him stop playing games. Not something I'd recommend doing. Chris' friends treated me with the same lack of respect. He highly respected his friends. Getting the picture that it wasn't a fun situation for any of us?

Now I find my secret little crush growing larger and larger. (Sadly, I also find it shared by my daughter.) Enter karmic retribution.

My crush lives with a girl who is not his "girlfriend". She's younger and puts up with his crap regarding this lack of respect. See where this is going? Yeah, so do I. But I'm going to choose to not be Rebecca and make my move as soon as this girl finally sees the light. I'm going to see the light first, and force my crush to evaporate before it hurts.

I guess it's a good thing Rebecca was such a bitch.

Jeremy

"Do you know what your problem ish?" he slurred loudly while lurching toward me. I was standing by myself in between the bar area and the dance area in the fraternity house basement. It was either early on a party night or a pub night, the difference between the two was basically just whether the lights were dimmed or not. I just know it wasn't a party in full swing. I rarely drank in those days, so I often stood alone, watching, during social events.

Jeremy was the least favorite freshman pledge that semester. Even his blond hair and blue eyed cuteness didn't compensate for his ego. He was loud, and always right, at least in his own mind. He seemed to me to possess the arrogance of someone who was just pretending. I suppose overcompensating would be the correct wording. Of course I enjoyed him. I was always taken in by men who could exude even fake confidence. I drove all of the pledges home nearly every night, and he would insist upon being dropped off last. It made sense logistically, so I complied. Without fail, when we'd reach his dorm, he'd need help inside. I obliged, and eventually ended up tucking him in and leaving every night.

I'm sure when he asked about my problem I rolled my eyes and gave some smart ass answer. I'm sure I gave no indication I wanted him to tell me what my problem was. He leaned closer and told me anyway.

"You make too many short term investments", he started. I gave a slightly confused, yet bemused smile. I was clueless about anything financial. Seriously. He tried to explain that in investing you can either go for a short term investment or a long term investment. The short term investments had the potential to gain a lot of value quickly, but then you'd be done with them. The risk of loss was much greater there as well. Long term investments didn't gain at a particularly high rate, but over time, you gained more than a short term "big" payoff. He suggested that my uneasiness was due to the fact that I knew very small amounts about everyone in the room. He suggested I get to know people better, that maybe some people pay off in the long run rather than in the short term.

I still keep in contact with a few of the guys who stood snickering as I was cornered by Jeremy in the basement that night, twelve years ago. He was right, they mean more over time.

As for Mr. No Short Term Investments? He stole a bottle of rum one night a few weeks later and asked for an early ride to his dorm. He then offered to share his treasure. I doubt I need to go into detail about what happened later that evening. After that night, I never spoke another single word to him. He slept with some weird girl and left college for good, without a word to anyone a few weeks later. Sure, the fact that we never spoke again could've been because I made some unsavory comments about his prowess, but it could've been because he recognized himself in me, and that's why he gave me advice.

Crush

Lately I have been feeling something that I'm not sure I want to feel. Well, strike that, I've been feeling many things that I know I don't want to feel recently, but only one thing that seems strange to me. One thing that is different. One thing that is not the same old frustrating feelings.

I think I'm developing a crush on someone. That in itself isn't such a new thing. Well, it's a rather unused feeling as of late, but certainly not new. The way it's happening is new though. Usually when I decide I'm interested, it takes, oh, .2 seconds and WHAM!, there I am, completely and utterly infatuated. This crush is a long time in the making.

This crush, if that's what it truly is, has been building for over a year. Each time I see or talk to this person, I find a few more little things that I like, and he opens up a little more. Is this crush a mutual feeling? I'm not sure. Am I ever going to take a step to see if it is mutual? Eh, probably not.

Then why am I telling you this?

Simply because it's nice to know that underneath all of the anger and rage I've been feeling, that something else still lives within me. It's nice to know that maybe, just maybe, I'm approaching something in a correct manner for once. That guarding myself, while still letting someone in can happen. I don't have to open it all up immediately, or close it all off forever. Little by little, I feel more like a person and less like a victim of my life. That's got to count for something.