set adrift

I'm bored, lonely, and suffering from insomnia. This usually leads me to reminisce, and write. I'm tired of remembering when I had a life worth writing about. I want a life worth thinking about and writing about now. I'm just not sure how to accomplish that. Less than a month ago, I thought I would accomplish that. Now I'm stuck on the pause button, yet again.

I mentioned to a friend today that I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it to my Tuesday volunteer duties, which posed a problem mostly because finding a substitute is your own problem and not many of the women there talk to me. He responded that as far as he could tell, women never really talked to me. I've been told this numerous times in numerous ways before. I'm not really sure what the deal is, but it's true.

When I first gained weight after my son was born, I noticed more women spoke to me. I just figured it was because I had a baby, and therefore automatically became approachable, but I wasn't always with him. Then I lost a lot of weight. No one spoke to me then. No, wait, that's not true. Teenagers thought I was their age so they spoke to me, and women above retirement age spoke to me regularly. Then I gained a little bit of weight back, and once again, women spoke to me. I had my ass grabbed by women (bartenders, no less) in bars, I was told I'd be a good reason to try same-sex sex, and just generally approached by women. Then some more weight stuck to my ass. Now very few people speak to me, and no one approaches me. Awesome.

I wonder what the deal is, and whether it says more about me or more about other people. I suspect pleasantly plump is just below a certain acceptable threat level. Too far above that level, no contact. Too far below, why bother? I've pretty much been the same the whole time. *sigh* It seems ridiculous to even think that, because I'm never one to put any effort into my looks, or think that I look good, ever. I'm pretty sure it's not just a figment of my imagination though.

Why is it so hard to make friends after a certain age? I don't want or need drinking buddies anymore, but someone who used to drink and whore it up, and now tries to maintain some sort of "normalcy" while still retaining a personality would be much appreciated. I know people who have never given it up, and I know people who pretend they've never done a damn thing that would be considered "adult fun" in their whole lives. Why is it so hard to let go of part of it, but not all of it? Maybe because if you do it that way, you end up still awake at 5:15AM, writing crap and wondering why life has to be so difficult.