Dear John,

Happy Birthday. I hope today finds you safe, healthy and happy. I know you love fall (even though I still can't understand why), if you are not living somewhere fall has the crispness in the air we do here, I hope you got to visit somewhere that does. I can still picture you trying to explain to me why fall is your favorite season, and why I should stop my campaign of hatred against it. :). I still haven't stopped fighting it. Maybe I'll just never learn in general, but learning to love, or even tolerate fall specifically just isn't going to happen.

Jane's Addiction was on the radio yesterday. As it always does, it reminded me of you. Whenever I hear those dogs barking in the beginning, I smile and am whisked back in time, to that dark basement so many years ago. The spastic flailing you called dancing still makes me giggle in a mixture of horror and amusement. Do you own a comb yet? Oh my. I hadn't considered this before ... Are you gray yet? How about bald? Do you still end up with your glasses tipping off your face by the end of the night? I always thought you looked sort of like a mad professor. Do you still?

I know you had started running and sailing, and stopped smoking after Gumby died. Have you kept up with these things? If they make you happy, I hope you have. I hope you are happy. Really and truly happy. You deserve it. Ever since the night we met, the night I convinced Gumby to play that song so you'd dance with me, then had no idea what to do with what I got when it finally happened, I've wanted you to be happy. I'm glad I got to make you smile and laugh. I hope you have someone who does the same now. I never bought your "solitary life is fine" story. I hope you've stopped trying to buy it too.

Although, I suppose I do have mixed feelings about this. Mostly because I've sworn that should I ever find you again, I won't waste any time in telling you what you meant to me, and if you've got everything you need, that'd make it pretty awkward for us both, but I think the likelihood of that happening is slim to none at this point, so I guess I'll just try to be unselfish and hope you don't even miss me. :)

Love,
Me