Family

When I iwas younger, the idea of stability and family was horrifying, completely and utterly horrifying. My relationships clearly showed this terror. Now, I just wish I had what terrified me before. My grandmothers were never what you'd classify "sane", but apparently decorum and marriage reigned them both in. Now that both are widows, "cunt" works pretty well as a descriptive term. Uh huh. Yeah, I just went there. I called both my dear, sweet grandmothers cunts. I'm not wrong.

An example: My brother, his wife, their 19 month old daughter and five week old son drove eight hours to visit my parents last weekend. We'll just ignore them and focus on the cunt. (Backstory -- the cunt lives up the street from me. I haven't seen her since before my 9 year old son called and invited her to his 7th birthday dinner, and she never responded, in any way.) I happened to be there when the cunt got there. My brother and his wife held back their dogs as dear, sweet grandma said hello to my brother and sniffed and scowled toward his wife. Five minutes later she realized his wife was not, in fact, me, and stated, while sitting next to me, "Oh Holly, I'm sorry. Hi! How are you? I thought you were Megan before." Uh huh. I managed to avoid pummeling her and lasted a whole fifteen minutes before leaving. *pats self on back* It should be noted that I have two heroin addict cousins who are both in and out of jail. She was speaking highly of both of them, while studiously ignoring me.

Cunt.

The other side of my son's family is about the same as my family, so the poor kid has no one but his dad and me. I can barely tolerate his dad, but I try (most of the time). Except I'm kinda getting tired of trying. I have this notion that it would be nice to not have to try, or at least not have to try so hard, to be able to stand the person with whom I live. Or maybe just live alone and see how that goes. Novel concept, huh?

This is all fine and dandy until I think too hard about the fact that I haven't worked in well over ten years, since two weeks after my close friend passed away, in fact. I made one, possibly two shifts after his death, and that was it. Over this time, I've lost any ability to take shit that doesn't keep a roof over my head. Hmm, I guess maybe I could look at a job that way, huh? I have just never had one that pays enough to do just that, keep a roof over my head. *sigh* So then I come back around to "Is it really that horrible to deal with stupidity and selfishness and not have to leave the house to do so?" But then there's that whole lack of a family, ever issue. Grrrrr.

I guess this is just a long winded way of saying I need to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. It's been two and q half years since the only goal I had was taken from the earth. I suppose it's time to make a goal that doesn't include someone who may not make it to see the goal line. Yuck.