Dear PMOB

Happy Birthday. I originally wanted to spend today in San Diego, looking for you, but I'm at home instead. For whatever reason, I stopped being able to find you here. Even driving by the places I saw you, the places you last walked, the place where you inhaled dirt instead of air in your final seconds, I could no longer find you. You used to be there, but disappeared from my radar. Of course I was bothered by this, but secretly hoped it meant you were in a better place where I simply couldn't reach you.

Then I went to the last place we went together. I wasn't looking for you when we left the house. I wasn't looking for you when we started the hike, but there you were. I could feel you everywhere. I could see your face in the spots where we paused in our hike. I shook my head remembering that you were one of those jackasses who gets winded outside and pauses to smoke. I could feel your hand inches away from mine once again. Remembering your beautiful face made me smile.

But most of all, I felt you again.

The temperature was in the nineties, but there was a cool breeze. I could feel you on the breeze, I could feel you flowing through every pore, every ounce, every piece of me. I savored it, standing there, arms wide, smile on my face, just knowing you were there, overjoyed to have found you again, glad you hadn't forgotten me.

Then it was time to leave, but it was OK because I finally knew where to find you again.

I went back the next day. You were still there, I still felt the cool breeze blowing you through my soul, through the very core of my being. Again, I smiled and welcomed you with open arms, just like I had done when you were alive, I suppose. I stayed longer, loathe to leave the trace of you left in the wind. Eventually, I had to drag myself away.

I haven't been back. Not because I don't want to feel like you are once again part of this world, but because I know you are not, and will never be. My heart will always have a you-sized hole. No amount of standing in the woods wishing I could stay there and pretend you were still here will make that a reality. So I will save my visits for when I need them most, or maybe, just maybe, I will be pleasantly surprised by your presence once again someday, somewhere unexpected and beautiful. For now my friend, I will have to take the difficulty I have finding you in stride, and hope the ragged, you-shaped edges continue to smooth, for I know they will never fully mend. While I would give anything to see your beautiful face and feel the heat of your skin in any small way, I know that is impossible. I can only hope you have found peace and seek to find some measure of it myself, here on earth.

Love,
Me