One Time Deal

When I was 18, I saw a boy and the first thing that popped into my head was "Mine". I proclaimed that I had met my future husband, even though I had never spoken to the boy and had no way of contacting him. I just knew he would come back, looking for me. I was right, he came back several times. When we finally began speaking, my reaction was, "This guy could be my best friend". And he was.

Several nights after that thought, I met his friends. Upon meeting one of them, I thought, "I met the wrong guy first". Being 18 didn't help the situation. So, for nearly two years I dated my ex. For the first five months we dated, CJ lived six hours away. During this time, I'd run into one of his friends pretty often. It was the friend who made me think that I had met the wrong guy first. We exchanged numbers and hung out a few times. This did not make my ex happy. He told me that he trusted us, but that Chris wanted what we (meaning CJ and I) had. I pushed my feelings for Chris down as far as they could go.

The three of us made plans (through CJ) for Chris and I to move to NH to live while CJ finished school. I can only imagine what would have happened if that had panned out. Instead, CJ quit school and moved home. After CJ moved home, Chris would come along with him sometimes and play with my daughter at my house. We'd all go out together and I'd push and push and push until the little flutter I got when I saw him was almost unrecognizable. Except I could see that perhaps Chris hadn't pushed his feelings down as much as I had. There was always a special glimmer to his eyes when I saw him. I knew it was for me, because it always came out when he realized I was there. I did my best to ignore it.

We kept our flirting to a minimum. We did a very good job at trying to hide our feelings. I suspect now that CJ always knew both parts, both that the feelings were there and that we cared too much about him to act on them. Eventually CJ and I broke up. Chris was there to witness some pretty shitty things I did, and the crazy response it provoked in CJ. After CJ and I broke up, I tried to keep in touch because he had helped raise my daughter and I thought it was horrible for him to lose her as well as me. I saw Chris a few times during the clinging to CJ while wanting him gone phase.

After that was over, I didn't see any of them for a few years. I saw Chris's best friend while stuck in traffic one time, but, other than that, nothing. Then one day I ran into CJ and we went out a few times, and I took him to see my daughter. He wanted his friends to see her, so we went where they were. Chris was there. He hung back a bit, but, they had all seen what happened to CJ after I left, so I chalked it up to that.

CJ and I lost contact pretty quickly. I didn't see any of them for awhile. Then Chris showed up at the bar where I spent most of my time. I was so happy to see him. I asked about CJ, trying to reassure myself it wasn't my fault if he was doing poorly. He gave me the updates and left. We made no efforts to keep in touch. Maybe a year later, we started running into each other every couple of months. It was nice, and I always asked about CJ.

One night I saw Chris at a club. We started talking, and didn't stop. I didn't ask about CJ, and he didn't leave until the club closed. He stayed with me the whole time. We were singing along to a cheesy cover band, and his hand landed on my hip. It belonged there, I knew it. I felt the heat of it long after he had left. I asked him to call me, and he asked if it was still the same number. It was. He told me that he still had it from when I had given it to him about 8 years before that night.

He called, and I went to his apartment.

It was the day after Mother's Day. I had a shitty day at work, literally, and didn't even change. I just warned him about how I looked and went over. He greeted me with, "I thought you said you look like shit today". Then I pointed out an actual fleck of fecal matter on my shirt. He just shrugged and said I still looked good to him. We talked and it was slightly awkward because I wanted to jump in his lap and kiss him but didn't know if I should. I asked to see "Pulp Fiction" so he put it in. We watched the movie half-heartedly and chatted. When he got up for a drink, he sat on the floor, closer to me than he had been before. He edged his way closer still, until my legs were pressed against his body.

I reclined so my face was closer to his. We sat that way for awhile, touching but not looking at one another. I reached my arms around him and held him, trying to still everything in my body that was screaming at me. Finally he turned around and kissed me. It was one of the best kisses I have ever experienced and any doubts I had about whether or not it was my imagination that he had wanted me all those years were erased. I could feel the answer in his mouth. We kissed for awhile and I got up to leave because if I didn't, I knew I never would. I told him that, and he tried to lead me to his bedroom. I resisted, figuring I'd be back. I wanted to be clean and have smooth legs. Foolish pride.

He never returned my phone calls after that night. Perhaps I'd hurt his foolish pride. A few months later I saw him out again, and I mentioned how much I'd missed him and how I wanted to see him after the bar closed. He told me where he'd be. The only person who would go to the diner that night was my friend's married male cousin. We got along really well, so while I was waiting for Chris, we talked. What else would we do? I didn't see Chris that night. Broken hearted, I went home.

The next time I saw Chris a few months later, I told him I had gone to the diner and waited for him. I asked what had happened and he hissed at me. He told me he had seen me and that I looked "busy". I was confused and aggravated and told him that the only reason I was there was because I was waiting for him. Then I explained the whole married cousin of my friend thing and how he was the only one willing to come wait for Chris with me. He looked at me, halfway between anger and confusion and didn't say much after that.

The span of time between that and the next time I saw him was longer. Maybe it was six months or so. I had recently started dating someone new. I went up to Chris and whispered that I wished I was there with him instead. Again, he hissed at me, saying, "Well, then you should be." I'm sure the hurt and confusion showed on my face. I wanted to sort things out, but I certainly didn't want to have him hissing at me again. He left early that night.

The last time I saw him was probably two years later. I asked about CJ and moved along quickly.