4 years

Four years is a long time. Or it can feel like four seconds. Strange how things work out that way. Of course, eight or ten or however many years I went without seeing him the last time completely dissolved when I met his eyes. Too bad this time he has no eyes to meet. They've been extinguished, burned to ash and buried. I probably wouldn't want to see them anymore. I told myself that this loss wasn't going to be the same as when my friend died. I wasn't going to drink until I couldn't see or remember anything. I, in fact, was going to avoid drinking because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop, and because I knew the loss of his life would just come pouring out. I'd find myself in trouble and possibly homeless after the type of outburst I could feel welling up inside me. I stopped fighting with people who never cared to make me happy, yet insisted upon being around to watch me be miserable. I let obvious lies go unchallenged, I didn't ask questions when I didn't feel like hearing a lie. I made life easier for my son in the process because I knew Patrick would've given anything to be there for his daughter, to make her life easier. So I sucked up a lot of shit I never imagined sucking up in order to keep some calm around me. I ate instead of drank. I bit my tongue until I got so tired of the taste of blood, I didn't even have to bite anymore. I just shrugged, said, "OK" and popped a soda or some junk food. I, of course, gained weight and an odd complacency that never fit quite right, but, really, nothing else fit quite right either, so it was just one of many ways my skin felt wrong. I tried exercising, but leaving the house and interacting with people who were funny and thought I said things worth listening to depressed me more because it reminded me of what I'd given up. So I ate more junk for comfort. It wasn't really more comforting than getting loaded would have been, but it was a lot more safe. Mostly. Anyway, so I don't recognize very much of myself these days. I'm not sure I'm ever going to. I'm not sure if it matters if I do. Yeah, uh, that's what I've been up to since you've been gone. Maybe I should try to remember which one of us lived.