13 years

If I could go back to relive that day and night exactly 13 years ago, sometimes I think I'd do it in a second. Other days, I'm not so sure I could live through the "after" part again. Yet another idea surges through my brain, this time about going back with the knowledge of what is to come, trying to convince him to live while he still can. I could only save him once, please make it count, please make every second count. I'd tell him I really never could get angry with him, not really, and that I always really did forgive him, often before I knew I should be forgiving something.

I'd also tell him that while I accepted him wholeheartedly as he was, I couldn't always open myself up to the pain of his rejection. That he should think about whether he really wanted to push me away or not. That I'd still feel the same way about him if he made the same choices he had the first time I lived through this, but I really hoped I had a chance to make some better choices myself. I'd tell him that I was broken too, and that maybe together we could chip off all the sharp parts, all the pieces that made us bleed, and become well worn and softer around the edges together.

I'd tell him that I don't know if I could stop the jealous rage that ended his life, those seeds were sown before I had a chance to pluck them from the ground, but I'd make damn sure to try.

I'd tell him that I was right, he will always feel perfect next to me. I will always feel like I am where I belong in his arms. It just wasn't as often as I'd have liked it to be, or even as often as I had the chance. I'd tell him that even if he didn't listen the first time, I'd try harder the second. I'd forget pride and do what my heart urged me to do when we met again. I'd say fuck it and not worry about how I needed a shower, or wanted him to say this or that, and just fucking jump, not caring where I landed because then at least I'd have been closer to him for even a day extra.

There are so many things I'd like to do differently, or again. The only thing I can't consider changing is being able to control myself and stay away from him that night, 13 years ago, when he was my friend's date to the wedding she and I were both in.