Schizophrenic Crush

Tonight I was searching online for a better picture of my crush so I could post it on a blog. I wasn't finding any good ones, and tried searching a variation of his name. What I turned up was a recent college article about his schizophrenia. The article states that only his band members and family know of the diagnosis. I read and reread the article, in a state of shock. It appears to be written by someone who is or was very close to him. She has his mannerism down pat. I can see him sitting before her, answering questions.

My shock is mostly due to the fact that he is against getting treatment for his disease. According to the article, when he takes his pills, he can't write music. When he doesn't take his pills, reality is a challenge. I knew he had problems. I knew they were of the mental health variety. He has spoken about his state of mind on several occasions. I wonder if he assumes my friend and I know. I wonder if she does know? She's not exactly known for keeping things to herself. She once told me about her cousin fucking a horse, pleading with me not to say anything to anyone. I doubt she could keep a secret that big about him. Ah, no, she doesn't know. I mentioned a review that had him quoted as "spending time in the looney bin" and she said something about him going to rehab. Schizophrenia is too close to her family for her to know and not say a word.

For me, it explains a lot about the guy. Before I met him I knew (through my friend of course) that he had left a problematic marriage. He put up with all kinds of shit from his ex-wife, and then they had a baby and he left two weeks after she was born. That always perplexed me. I thought poorly of him because of it, until I got to know him a little better and saw what a gentle soul he is. After reading the article, I can understand his fears and why he would think that leaving was the best thing for her. The article states that he cannot have unsupervised visits with her, although he'd love to do so. I want to shake him and tell him "Damn it! You can have time alone with your daughter if you own up to the demons and give up some other parts of your life!!!"

I have long wanted to tell him that he is more than he gives himself credit for. I have listened to his music and thought about the comforting words I could say, the words that could make him see what everyone else does. I know better than to do so, I know better than to believe that he would take such things to heart and change them, for he needs to believe them first and foremost. Turns out there is much more that he can see that I will never know. I'm glad I do not share his pain, but I wish for him that he would share it and try to find a way to live without it.

Living with schizophrenia without getting treatment is like giving yourself a death sentence. I want him to live, even if his brilliance seems to be cut off by medication, I want him to live. It's not up to me to make these decisions though. It's not up to me to try to save the day. It's not up to me to share his secret, or even to let him know that I have discovered it. All that it is up to me to do is keep his secret and allow him the dignities he apparently feels he needs.